Eats scissors and stabs with paste.

All of my fic posted before July 1st, 2009 will have a "caveat lector" policy. Some of it does carry specific warnings, some of it does not; without a consistent policy, I don't feel comfortable advertising any of it as a safe space. Contact me and I'll do my best to fill in the blanks, but ten years of fandom plus half a million words a year is a hell of a lot of words.

All of my fic posted after July 1st, 2009 will contain a variation of the following as a part of its header boilerplate: "CONTAINS: X, Y, Z, please contact me if you need or want more information." I have a bad habit of crouching on PMs like Gollum, but for these I'll leap.

EDIT: My stance on podfics, fics-of-fics, or any other kind of remixing is fairly simple: I don't care in the slightest. I mean, credit your source (and drop me a link, because I'm nothing if not an ego), but get down with your bad selves.

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Bosses who understand that you're really being a stealth bitch whenever you pull the dumb blonde/golly-gee Southern belle act on someone and, more importantly, think it's hilarious.

Also, holy shit. I'm just sayin', every time I go to a strip club I am blown away by what those women do. For tips. I especially love the "OMG LOOKIT!" way her friend is hopping up and down.

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Tuesdays are court days, so the interview rooms are crowded and I have to take my client to a room out of the sight-line of both reception and security. It is not, however, so crowded that the rooms to either side of me are occupied. (This is relevant because all interview rooms have clear partitions so people can see in and intervene if a caseworker gets in trouble.)

The client has mentioned previously that he was in prison for a few years. A lot of my guys have prior felonies, actually, so I'm all, "That's not a deal-breaker...*chatters on for several minutes about options and felon-friendly companies that still offer decent wages*."

CLIENT: I forgot to tell you! I'm a violent sex offender.

ME: ...you don't say.

CLIENT: Honesty's the best policy, right?

Yeah, after going back upstairs, I looked him up and discovered he has convictions for rape in the first degree and forcible oral sodomy. The next person to say that state workers are overpaid gets socked right in the mouth.

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oh jesus christ there's going to be a third Lost Boys movie what.

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Does Ship_Manifesto even work any longer? Because I really, really want to write about Mikita. The ways that they are beautiful and flawed...they just work so well for and against each other, the ways each person could not be so amazing, for good or ill, without the other. I do not care if it's the CW, they are Epic Fucking Romance.

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I. Um. I sort of love my judge.

Which is hilarious, because she fucked with me endlessly when I had just been turned loose with a caseload. She really does like to play with new people like a cat with a half-dead mouse.

But. She has the same negative-number tolerance for political bullshit that I do, which makes taking the cases where I'm being strong-armed into giving someone favorable treatment because they screamed to her sheer comedy gold. Like, the inside of my cheek is all swollen from biting when I come out of hearings based on the effort it takes to stay in control of my face.

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Hey, let's talk about how I screamed so loud the cats wouldn't come near me for hours. Oh, my Christ, show, I love you so hard.

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As first seen on Tumblr.

Y'all know my girls. Who should I write?

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And, yes, stating that you used to be military and we won't get any money if you're in jail is threatening me, I don't care how much you tried to backtrack when I told you to get your ass out.

I'm having a fit of Petty Fucking Functionary Syndrome over the past week or so, but really, I have come to like my job a lot. I just have to hang on to the moments like being able to finally close the case of a poor bastard who has had the kid for four years and is on SSA really, really hard sometimes.

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How awesome are Nikita and Cyrus together?! I want him to come back and be the show's resident trickster figure, oh, forever. He has a heart of...well, burnished gold, and Nikita is way past pathological in her need to save everyone who shows her the tiniest of sparks. Plus, Maggie Q and Isaiah Mustafa just have the whoo-damn kind of chemistry.

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